we swam tonight. i swam in my usual lane - lane 3, which is the slowest intermediate lane. i was in a lane with three other girls, and they swam so much faster than i did. with each set, more and more doubt started creeping in. can i do this? what am i doing here? we were supposed to do a couple sets of six 50's at zone two pace. so i'm going, and i'm swimming. and my zone two pace seems to be considerably slower than the rest of the girls. so much so that i had to let them pass once. that made me feel terrible. then i got mad because i shouldn't care if i'm slower than anybody else. i'm not doing this for them. i'm doing it for me. i'm doing it for people who can't train, who need me to train for them - at any pace. just train and raise funds. but still, the doubt crept in.
so after the swim, my eyes were brimming with tears, body dripping with doubt. laura came up to me and asked me how my swimming was going. how could i tell her that i pretty much cried through the last set? she told me that i looked really comfortable in the water, and to keep it up. i had no idea what to say. how could i even think of quitting? here laura was, in the middle of getting treated for cancer, and she was encouraging me. now, my doubt was replaced with shame because i have a choice. i have a choice about whether i want to train for this triathlon. i have a choice about whether i should show up at practice. i have choice. i can quit, if i want to. but laura - she can't quit. she has no choice. so, i made my choice to keep going. i thrust my recommitment paperwork in dana's hands, and walked away still filled with doubt, tears spilling down my cheeks, but with a new resolve.
if you're interested in how much i actually swam tonight, here it is:
50 warm up
50 skating drill
2x 50 fist drill
2x 50 catch up drill
5x 50 zone 2
3x 100 build
4x 50 zone 2
total yards: 1050
so, we're actually starting the 4th week of training. and i have to tell you, i'm freaking out. i haven't really even started training yet. sure i've been to the group training sessions (swim every thursday, bike or run on saturdays), but other than that -- nothing. so yesterday was the day. i went for a run while cassidy was napping. (don't worry, joel was there. i didn't leave her to fend for herself - sheesh!) figured i'd go for about 20 minutes. surprise, surprise! i ran for 30. well, actually it was more of a run/walk, but still, it's a start. and a start is what i needed.
if you're wondering what all those posts are below this one, it's my training blog from the first tri i participated in last march 2004 - the strawberry fields triathlon in oxnard, ca. "at long last" is a summary of the actual race. :)